Interdependence: Why Community Matters and how to build it
Community Matters,
but why is it hard to build?
We hear a lot of messages these days about “building community”, but what if we were never taught how? Many of us grew up in a culture that prizes independence, productivity, and self-sufficiency. We learned to admire and respect people who appear to “have it all together” (read: they can afford to outsource their needs). We quietly fear being seen as a burden.
If you’ve ever felt the tension between longing for closeness with others and the fear of being seen as dependent, you’re not alone. Our dominant culture promotes the harmful narrative of ableism, which not only hurts disabled people but also hurts everyone by keeping us isolated and overburdened.
Perhaps you have tried your hand at creating a community, only to realize that it’s not easy to build a close-knit group of people like those portrayed on the show Friends. It’s not that you’re missing a skill everyone else mastered; it’s that the skills of community -
listening,
asking for help,
relationship repair skills,
discerning your capacity,
offering care authentically,
were never modeled or valued in the first place.
Community is created from the actions of interdependence. Cultivating the skills of community building allows us to live in interdependence rather than a culture of transaction and isolation. It’s the reminder that our lives are woven together and that needing others isn’t a failure. It’s what makes us human. Interdependence is being interconnected with others with reciprocity and mutuality.
The invitation is to explore what it means to belong without losing yourself, and to build the skills our dominant culture didn’t teach us.
What is Interdependence?
Interdependence lives in the space between extremes.
It’s not independence, the myth that we should do everything alone.
It’s not codependence, where we lose our sense of self in caring for others.
It’s the middle ground is mutual connection rooted in autonomy and trust.
Interdependence isn’t about relying on others out of weakness; it’s about understanding that we are happier, more content, more resilient, and better equipped to weather the storm together.
In therapy, often clients are wrestling with this tension: “I want support, but I don’t want to be needy.” Interdependence reframes that struggle. It says we ALL have needs, and we ALL have something to give.
When we practice interdependence, we begin to unlearn a cultural script that equates worth with doing everything on our own. Instead, we start to measure wellness by how safely and authentically we can connect with others.
You want community, now what?
Let’s look at the ingredients of interdependence and how you can cultivate them in your life.
The Building Blocks of Interdependence
Social Connectedness
Community isn’t a switch you flip on; it’s a skill you practice, repeatedly.
For many of us, genuine social connection —where we are vulnerable with others —feels unsafe. We were told “find your people” but not how to build trust, repair conflict, or sustain connection when life gets messy. American culture presents an idolized image of social groups, but not how to become a part of them.
Research shows that a sense of belonging protects against depression and anxiety. But connection doesn’t happen just by wanting it. It’s cultivated through small, consistent acts. In therapy terms, we call this activation work: pushing through discomfort to do the things that lead to closeness.
Reminders:
Remember: community is not a destination; it’s a process.
Connection grows through repetition, not perfection.
Start small: just with a text, a walk, or a shared meal.
Mutuality
In a true community, everyone has something to offer. Mutuality is about contribution and discernment. It’s knowing when to give, when to receive, and when to rest.
Our culture rewards people who appear independent because they can outsource care, such as hiring, delegating, or paying for help. But that isn’t the same as emotional independence or connection. Mutuality invites humility: no one is entirely self-made. Any caregiver can affirm that fact.
Mutuality is slow work. It’s less about efficiency and more about sustainability. When people collaborate toward shared goals, the outcome might be “less productive” in the short term, but it’s richer, sturdier, and more human.
Reflection prompts:
Where do I over-give to earn a sense of belonging?
What would I do if I didn’t have the fear of burdening others?
How can I move through my feelings of discomfort because a perfect blueprint doesn’t exist for creating mutuality?
Reciprocity
Healthy reciprocity is fluid, not transactional. Sometimes you give more; other times you’re held more. In community, support ebbs and flows like tides.
This is where trust comes in. Some relationships will offer steady, weekly reciprocity; others, “comet-style,” circling back after long stretches apart. Either way, the flow matters more than the math.
Clients learn to trust this rhythm through developing discernment. They stop keeping score and start noticing flow. When we let go of the need for symmetry, we create space for grace.
Takeaways:
Let go of transactional thinking.
Boundaries protect reciprocity; they don’t block it.
Remember: generosity isn’t depletion; it’s circulation.
The Benefits of Interdependence
Imagine yourself with more meaningful relationships where you feel heard and supported, where empathy and collective care are the currency you give and receive, where you are included and valued for your unique strengths.
When we have interdependent relationships (i.e., community), we experience greater resilience in the face of challenges, increased collaboration and creativity, more emotional support through co-regulation, and, most importantly, a sense of belonging and purpose.
Challenges to Building Interdependence
Attachment Styles
If you grew up without consistent care, interdependence may feel unsafe. Anxious attachment fears abandonment; avoidant attachment fears engulfment. Yet these patterns are not fixed. With support, we can earn secure attachments by building trust one safe relationship at a time.
Cultural and Systemic Barriers
We live in systems that punish dependence. From the lack of paid parental leave to unaffordable childcare and inaccessible healthcare, our culture undercuts the very foundations of healthy connection. When parents and caregivers are chronically stressed, entire communities feel it. Recognizing this helps us replace shame with context and reminds us that connection isn’t just personal, it’s political.
Unhelpful Gender Socialization
Patriarchy and toxic individualism shape how we relate to care. Some genders are socialized to over-give and others to under-need. Many carry intergenerational wounds and the pressure to be “strong” at all costs. Unlearning those roles and reclaiming tenderness as strength is key to developing interdependence.
Expectations
Our culture romanticizes effortless friendship and perfect communities. But real connection is messy, nonlinear, and full of repair. It’s not a feel-good montage. It’s the slow, meaningful work of being human. These unattainable expectations set us up for isolation.
Need more support?
If you feel both the pull toward creating community and the fear of the vulnerability it takes, that’s okay. You’re navigating a culture that told you to build community without providing a map.
At Obsidian Care Collective, we believe that the skills of developing interdependence;
active listening,
asking for help without shame,
discerning your capacity,
offering care authentically,
working toward secure attachments,
relationship repair, and
letting go of toxic, individualistic cultural beliefs
can be learned and practiced. You don’t have to do it alone.
Obsidian Co-founder J. Louise Newton shared some ideas of how to start looking for places to get in community in The Orienting and Resourcing Technique for Political Exhaustion: How I Find Calm Amidst Calamity Using Somatic.
If you’d like more support in building the skills for interdependence, we’d be honored to walk with you. Schedule your free 30 minute consultation today to begin your journey toward connection that sustains.
References (for those curious)
Dutcher JM, Lederman J, Jain M, Price S, Kumar A, Villalba DK, Tumminia MJ, Doryab A, Creswell KG, Riskin E, Sefdigar Y, Seo W, Mankoff J, Cohen S, Dey A, Creswell JD. Lack of Belonging Predicts Depressive Symptomatology in College Students. Psychol Sci. 2022 Jul;33(7):1048-1067. doi: 10.1177/09567976211073135. Epub 2022 Jun 23. PMID: 35735353. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35735353/
Park EY, Oliver TR, Peppard PE, Malecki KC. Sense of community and mental health: a cross-sectional analysis from a household survey in Wisconsin. Fam Med Community Health. 2023 Jun;11(2):e001971. doi: 10.1136/fmch-2022-001971. PMID: 37399294; PMCID: PMC10314672. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37399294/
Raniti, M., Rakesh, D., Patton, G.C. et al. The role of school connectedness in the prevention of youth depression and anxiety: a systematic review with youth consultation. BMC Public Health 22, 2152 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-022-14364-6
