The Wounds of Co-Parenting Criticism — and healing balm of Respect, Restraint, and Repair.
When love between adults changes form, the task of co-parenting can test even the most well-intentioned. In moments of frustration or exhaustion, it can feel tempting to voice anger or disappointment about the other parent—especially when pain still lingers from a recent exchange, whether it’s this week or this morning. Yet when criticism of a co-parent happens in front of a child, it leaves marks deeper than either adult intends or even sees for some time. A child’s world depends on the security of their bond with each parent. When one parent speaks against the other, that foundation begins to crack. What may seem like a small social signal—an eye roll, a sigh, a cutting comment—can quietly undermine a child’s safety, loyalty, and worth. This post explores how a parent’s criticism of a child’s other parent in plain view of children (or sometimes spoken to children directly) wounds not only the other parent but the child’s developing sense of love and belonging—and how empathy, restraint, respect, and repair can become the medicine that heals those insidious injuries.
As noted in our last post, when criticism takes root in a marriage, it erodes safety and intimacy between partners. When criticism is prevalent in the domain of parenting, its reach extends even further. The same sharp words that once wounded a spouse can, in the presence of children, wound the family itself. Whether the couple is currently married or has separated or divorced, criticism often disguises itself as truth-telling or “protecting” the child, yet beneath it lies the same unmet grief, fear, and longing for control. What changes is the audience. Now, the child becomes the silent witness—and sometimes the unwilling participant—in adult conflict. Healing from criticism in a co-parenting relationship necessitates recognizing that our words not only influence the co-parenting partnership that we have but also shape the emotional world our child will carry forward.
Below are some of the reasons that criticizing your child’s other parents is a form of emotional harm that places the child in an untenable position.
1. It Forces the Child Into a Loyalty Conflict
When one parent criticizes the other in front of a child, the child feels torn between two people they love and depend on.
They cannot side with one parent without betraying the other parent. This constitutes a classic double bind.
Double binds are intrinsically anxiety provoking because there is no obvious solution without substantial cost. So the child is likely to internalize guilt or anxiety, feeling responsible for the conflict.
This chronic emotional tension can lead to confusion, withdrawal, or behavioral issues.
2. It Undermines the Child’s Sense of Safety
Children feel secure when they trust that both parents can work together to care for them. When one parent is openly critical or hostile toward the other, that sense of safety collapses.
The home no longer feels emotionally predictable.
The child may feel they have to “take care” of the targeted parent or mediate between adults—roles that are inappropriate for them.
3. It Damages the Child’s Relationship With Both Parents
Even if the criticism is directed at the other parent, the child’s attachment and love for that parent means they feel attacked by extension.
The child may start to hide affection for the criticized parent to avoid upsetting the other.
Over time, this weakens bonds and can create lasting resentment or mistrust toward both parents.
4. It Models Disrespect and Emotional Harm
Children learn the foundational elements of their relationship patterns by observing how their parents treat each other. Criticizing or demeaning a co-parent in front of them teaches that ridicule, blame, or contempt are normal ways to express anger or solve problems.
This can shape how they communicate with family members, friends, peers, or future partners.
It also confuses their moral compass about respect and empathy.
5. It Constitutes Emotional Abuse When It’s Chronic or Targeted
Professionals (therapists, courts, and child welfare agencies) may categorize persistent, intentional denigration of a co-parent as emotional abuse or parental alienation, because it harms the child’s psychological well-being and disrupts healthy attachment.
The relational damage can be profound and change a child’s relationships with the self and with others for the rest of their lives.
The damage isn’t only relational—it affects the child’s developing self-esteem, stress regulation, and worldview.
When one parent attacks or belittles the other in the child’s presence, the child experiences a painful internal split: loyalty to one parent feels like betrayal of the other. This conflict erodes a child’s sense of safety and trust in the family system. Children rely on both parents as attachment figures; when that bond is weaponized, they may feel responsible for soothing adult conflict or choosing sides, roles far beyond their emotional capacity. Over time, these experiences can distort a child’s understanding of love, respect, and security. What may seem like venting or “telling the truth” about the other parent is, in reality, an act that burdens a developing child with adult pain. Although coercive control and parental alienation are real, and some parents criticize their co-parent to maintain control of the children and the other parent, most of the time, parents criticize their co-parent out of pain, powerlessness, and protection, not malice.
Here are some reasons that a parent might believe that it is justifiable to criticize their child’s other parent in front of their child, the harm this does, and the way back to your role as the amazing parent you are!
1. A Parent May Believe They’re “Telling the Truth.”
A parent might feel it’s important for the child to “see things clearly” — to know which parent is “right,” “trustworthy,” or “responsible.”
They may say things like, “You deserve to know how unreliable your dad is,” or “I just want you to understand why I’m upset.”
Tender truth → hidden impact:
Beneath this is often a desire for validation — the parent wants the child to agree with their perspective, not realizing that truth shared through bitterness becomes a weapon rather than a lesson.
What’s missed: children don’t need to know who’s right; they need to feel safe loving both parents.
How to get back to the awesome parent that you are!
Shift from “exposing truth” to modeling integrity.
Tell your child the truth about values, not adult conflicts.
Instead of speaking about the other parent’s flaws, focus on your own honesty and empathy: “Sometimes adults make mistakes, but we all try to do our best.”
If you need to process your frustration, do it with a therapist or trusted friend—not your child. Let your child feel safe loving both parents freely.
2. A Parent May Think They’re Protecting the Child from Hurt.
A parent may criticize the other to “prepare” the child for disappointment — for instance, “Don’t get your hopes up; your mom never follows through.”
Tender truth → injurious impact:
The intention is to shield the child from emotional pain.
The effect is the opposite: the child loses trust in both parents — in one for being “bad,” and in the other for attacking their caregiver.
It teaches fear, not resilience.
How to get back on course as the awesome parent you are!
Replace preemptive criticism with emotional coaching.
Rather than warning the child that the other parent may disappoint them, help them prepare for life’s unpredictability: “Sometimes plans change, and that can feel really disappointing. I’m here with you.”
This approach teaches resilience and emotional regulation instead of fear and mistrust.
3. A Parent May Be Trying to Repair Their Own Image.
After conflict, separation, or divorce, one parent may feel blamed, misunderstood, or rejected.
Tender truth → injurious impact:
Criticizing the other parent becomes a way to justify their own choices or defend their role: “If your mom hadn’t left, we wouldn’t be struggling.”
It can feel like self-protection, but it places the child in the role of emotional ally — an intrinsically conflicted and all too heavy role for a child.
How to get back on course as the awesome parent you are!
Seek validation from adults, not children. A child cannot be responsible for restoring a parent’s self-esteem or affirming their role without injury to their own development.
When tempted to defend yourself by criticizing the other parent, pause and remind yourself: “My worth as a parent is not defined by comparison,” and “Three things can not hide for long: the Moon, the Sun, and the Truth." (The Buddha) Truth is eventually revealed in time. Rather than defend yourself, show up as a parent in love, connection, empathy, joy, safety, and security.
The healthiest repair comes from showing consistency, care, and accountability—not from explaining your pain through the child’s ears.
4. A Parent May Confuse Adult Issues with Parenting Concerns.
It’s easy for lingering relationship pain — betrayal, anger, disappointment — to seep into parenting conversations.
Tender truth → injurious impact:
A parent might truly believe they’re “teaching values” when they say, “Your mom lies all the time; that’s why you should never be like her.”
In reality, they’re communicating adult wounds, not moral lessons.
The child learns to internalize shame and conflict rather than integrity and discernment.
How to get back on course as the awesome parent you are!
Separate adult wounds from your parenting narrative.
When old hurt surfaces, recognize it as your work to process, not a teaching moment for your child.
Instead of labeling the other parent, identify and model the value you want to teach: “Being honest is important to me,” or “We all make mistakes, but it’s how we repair them that matters.”
In this way, you teach integrity through example, not accusation. And injuries become opportunities for connection, safety, and social learning with a loving, safe parent.
5. A Parent May Be Acting Out of Unprocessed Hurt or Powerlessness.
Sometimes criticism arises from a place of helplessness.
Tender truth → injurious impact:
The parent feels unheard in the co-parenting dynamic and uses the child as a way to express what can’t be said directly.
For example: “If your father really cared, he’d show up on time,” is often a disguised plea of “I feel abandoned and angry.”
The child becomes the emotional messenger — and ends up carrying feelings that belong to the adults.
How to get back on course as the awesome parent you are!
Name your feelings in a safe space rather than acting them out through the child.
When you notice resentment rising, pause and identify what’s underneath: “I feel powerless,” “I feel unseen.”
Healing begins when you express those emotions directly (in therapy, journaling, or co-parenting mediation) rather than displacing them.
Taking responsibility for your emotions models strength and self-regulation—skills your child will one day need, too.
6. A Parent May Mistake Alignment for Support.
A parent may believe that if the child agrees with their view of the other parent, it will make the child closer to them or more loyal.
Tender truth → injurious impact:
They may interpret the child’s sympathy as connection.
But this “bond” is built on fear, not trust — and often fractures later, when the child grows old enough to recognize the error in the parent’s judgement.
How to get back on course as the awesome parent you are!
Cultivate connection through safety, not shared anger.
Remind yourself: true closeness with your child comes from being their steady base, not their ally in conflict.
Validate their feelings without steering their loyalties: “It’s okay to miss your dad,” or “You can love both of us—you don’t have to choose.”
Children thrive when they feel permission to love both parents without fear of rejection.
7. A Parent May Equate Criticism with Teaching.
A parent might rationalize criticism as “showing the child what’s right.”
Tender truth → injurious impact:
“See, that’s what happens when people are selfish like your mom.”
They believe they’re imparting moral clarity, but they’re actually modeling contempt — teaching the child that people are disposable when they disappoint us.
How to get back on course as the awesome parent you are!
Replace judgment with gentle guidance.
Remind yourself: true closeness with your child comes from being their steady base, not their ally in conflict.
Teach values by demonstrating them, not by condemning the other parent.
When tempted to say, “That’s what happens when someone is selfish,” shift to, “It’s painful when people act in ways that hurt others. Let’s talk about how we can handle that kindly.”
In doing so, you teach empathy, accountability, and compassion—all without harming the child’s relationship with either parent.
Healthy co-parent communication protects the child’s emotional world, even when the relationship between adults is strained. It begins with the understanding that children need permission to love both parents freely. Parents who practice emotional regulation learn to manage their frustrations privately—away from little ears and watchful eyes. They speak respectfully about the other parent, or not at all, in the child’s presence.
When disagreements arise, they are handled through direct, calm dialogue or with the help of a neutral third party, such as a therapist or mediator. Healthy co-parents focus their conversations with children on establishing and maintaining connection, security, and safety: “Both of us love you and will always take care of you.” This simple message restores stability and trust.
Even in conflict, emotionally attuned parents remember that their words and tone become part of the child’s inner narrative about love and safety. Protecting that narrative is one of the most profound acts of care a parent can offer. Restoring connection, security, and safety begins when parents shift their focus from being right to doing right by their child. This requires humility, restraint, and compassion—for oneself and for the other parent.
When adults choose to communicate with dignity and integrity and protect their child’s emotional safety, they begin to rewrite the family story from one of fracture to one of resilience. Children who witness mutual respect between parents, even in hard seasons, learn that love is bigger than anger and that integrity can coexist with pain. In this way, respectful co-parenting becomes not just an act of maturity, but a profound gift of security and hope for the children they love and find precious.
A parent who has identified the injury of co-parent criticism on their child may benefit from a couples intensive retreat. A parent who has recognized the role of criticism in injuring their relationship with their teenage or adult child may benefit from a relationship first aid intensive. Obsidian encourages co-parents who are not currently or formerly connected by an intimate partner relationship to take a look at relationship first aid intensives since they are designed to benefit any dyad who wishes to work through communication barriers and restore collaboration and/or connection. From the point of assessment, the dyad identifies the areas they wish to target for their one or two day intensive in order to work through the injuries of co-parent criticism.
With a relationship first aid intensive, you can access empathy, restraint, respect, and repair can become the medicine for those wounds caused by criticizing the child’s parent.
Repair is helpful at any age! You have the power to restore your child’s sense of safety, repair injuries, and course correct for a safer more secure relationship!
