The Poison of Contempt—and the Antidote to a Relationship Crisis.
In over 40 years of research, John and Julie Gottman have identified contempt as the most destructive force in intimate relationships. When contempt shows up in an intimate relationship, it is 95% likely that the relationship will end within the following five years. In this post, I will provide some examples of how contempt shows up in couples’ communication with one another and provide some information about the ways a couple might stop contempt’s poisonous effects and restore affection, respect, and admiration for one another.
Contempt arises when couples are facing too many stressors with too few resources. It is a response that is often borne out of chronic overwhelm and frustration. Unfortunately, many couples who love each other immensely find themselves feeling contemptuous toward their beloved or, perhaps worse, finding themselves on the receiving end of contemptuous communication. Because our intimate partner is often our primary attachment figure, it is easy to project our own fears, frustrations, overwhelm, and sense of powerlessness on them. We may feel like they are insufficient in some way, or we may feel like they are privileged in some way but failing us. Our partner might feel similarly toward us. Work stress, childcare, parenting choices, social demands, family expectations, our own high expectations of ourselves and others, and the demands of daily life can push us past our own sense of competence and safety. Disappointment, sadness, frustration, distaste may show up too often to cope with effectively. Often when we feel like we’re drowning, we rely on our partner to help pull us out of the water. When they do not, we may feel betrayed and disgusted. Contempt starts to set in. . .
Contempt and its frequent companion Criticism show up in a variety of ways in intimate relationships.
Contempt shows up in Daily Interactions when a partner:
Constantly corrects small mistakes with a superior tone: “Seriously? You don’t even know how to do that?”
Publicly mocks a partner’s habits in front of friends, family, or members of their community.
Uses sarcasm, mockery, name calling, insults, or dismissiveness rather than cooperation when attempting to solve problems together.
Contempt is demonstrated in Discussion of Finances when a partner:
Dismisses a partner’s financial suggestion with: “That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard. No wonder we’re always broke.”
Mocks spending habits: “Oh look, another useless thing you bought. You really have no self-control.”
Talks to them like a child about money: “Let me handle this, because clearly you can’t be trusted with grown-up decisions.”
Contempt might show up in the realm of Household Chores when a partner:
Sighs and mutters: “Why do I even bother? You never lift a finger around here.”
Sneers at an attempt: “Wow, thanks for finally washing the dishes. Should I throw you a parade?”
Rollis eyes or laughs at how a partner folds laundry or cleans, implying their way is stupid or inadequate.
Contempt often shows up in Parenting Decisions when:
One parent says: “You’re so clueless when it comes to the kids. Honestly, I don’t know how you’d survive a day with them.”
There is eye-rolling during a partner’s attempt to discipline or comfort a child, as if to say “You don’t know what you’re doing.”
One parent mocks the other’s parenting style in front of the kids: “Oh sure, let’s just let them stay up all night—because your rules are always so brilliant.”
It is most dangerous when contempt poisons Intimacy & Emotional Connection:
One person scoffs at their partner’s need for affection: “You’re so needy, it’s pathetic.”
A partner makes fun of or otherwise invalidates or dismisses their partner’s vulnerabilities when they open up about stress, work, or self-esteem.
A partner uses sarcasm when the other asks for closeness: “Oh, now you suddenly want to spend time together? How convenient.”
Often, in addition to words, contempt can be identified by non-verbal communication:
Eye-Rolling or Sneering: A classic sign of contempt, showing disdain without words.
Tone of Voice: Speaking with scorn, exaggerated sighs, or derisive laughter.
Body Language: Turning away, crossing arms, or making gestures that imply disgust.
Succinctly, contempt is the result of unresolved conflicts, chronic stress and life pressures, perceived (or real) imbalance of effort, power struggles, unmet emotional needs, ineffective communication patterns, or when there is a loss of respect following problematic behavior (i.e. breaking promises, avoiding responsibility, dismissing partner’s needs.) Criticism will be featured in its very own post because it is nearly as pestilent.
But even when contempt has become an overwhelming force in a couple’s interactions, there is an antidote. As long as there is a willingness and a commitment to one another, this pattern can be stopped . . . and reversed. Sometimes the work is so powerful that the couple may find their connection in a better place than it was the day they committed to one another.
Research has also shown that connection, trust, safety, intimacy, and collaboration can be deeper and stronger after a crisis. That is, secure attachment to one another can be found in this work. How partners cope together is key: It’s not just individual resilience, but how partners engage together—empathically, communicatively, cooperatively—that predicts growth. Therapeutic intervention helps: In many trauma contexts, external support (therapy, structured interventions) is instrumental to turning the crisis into growth.
Some of the changes we can expect after a two day couples intensive retreat include:
1. Communication Becomes Safer and Kinder
Instead of belittling or mocking, partners speak with curiosity and care.
They use “I” statements rather than blame: “I felt hurt when…” rather than “You always mess things up.”
Disagreements still happen, but they feel constructive rather than destructive.
2. A Shift In Nonverbal Signals
The body language is open—eye contact, leaning in, relaxed tone.
Laughter is shared rather than sarcastic or at one person’s expense.
Small gestures of tenderness (e.g. a hand squeeze, a smile) return naturally.
3. Renewed Sense of Teamwork
Instead of competing or tearing each other down, they collaborate on daily challenges.
Parenting, finances, or household chores become shared responsibilities rather than battlegrounds.
They start using “we” language: “We’ll figure this out together.”
4. Mutual Appreciation is Expressed
Compliments and gratitude are given freely: “Thanks for taking care of that,” or “I love how you handled that situation.”
Respect is shown both in private and in public.
They notice each other’s efforts rather than only pointing out flaws.
5. Emotional Safety Returns
Each partner feels they can share vulnerabilities without fear of ridicule.
Conflicts don’t spiral into humiliation— conflicts become opportunities for understanding.
Trust grows stronger, and intimacy (emotional and physical) often improves as a result.
A couple may wish to initiate or catalyze the antidote to contempt with a couples intensive retreat. The Gottman Method emphasizes intensive and frequent sessions at the start of couples counseling. A couples intensive retreat is designed to fully assess and target the areas of need based on the Gottman Method. From the point of assessment, the couple identifies the areas they wish to target for their one or two day intensive.
With a couples intensive retreat, you can access the antidote to the relationship poison of contempt.
You and your partner can be on the same team again! You can communicate love and gratitude. You can both feel appreciated and admired! You have the power to co-create the relationship you both want!
